I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go. Albert Einstein Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 55. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. 279. Today I was a hero. My funny vibes attract my funny tribe., 3. 145. 36. I dont suffer from insanity. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. Erma Bombeck. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. I love my body. I enjoy every minute of it. Today, I look at my goals. 155. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. 154. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. 219. 1. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. Robert A. Heinlein 142. I can always think of something funny to say. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. 204. Unknown. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. 261. 91. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. I just go normal from time to time. You dont have to be crazy to be my friend, but it helps. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. 191. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? Roy Lichtenstein. How do astronomers organize a party? I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. 226. Bill Murray. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. 201. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 11. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. My son is now an entrepreneur. Only two more days until Friday.". Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. The thing is, Im still getting ready. 57. Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". 1. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. 179. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. It has nothing new to tell you. George Burns, 253. 70. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Envelope. 188. Theres life without Facebook and internet? 90. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. I know the best time to make fun. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. "Your mistakes don't define you.". You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Art doesnt transform. Honolulu, its got everything. 271. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. My mistakes dont define me. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. I breathe in and out. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. You try again, but no sound is coming out. 255. With time, I have started to value more time. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. - Billie Burke. 173. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! 39. East. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. Life always offers you a second chance. I am changing all my useless things into something productive by working on them. 8. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. Microchips. Confidence makes me powerful. 90. You were too lazy to read that number. 212. Some people are like clouds. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. Walter Bagehot Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. 44. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. 224. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. 229. 135. I try to see the funny side of every situation. 44. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. Ken Dodd With a cowculator. Why did the school kids eat their homework? 131. Everyone brings happiness to this office. 3. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Its scary when it disappears. 175. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know Life gives the test first and then the lesson. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? 9. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. Why did the school kids eat their homework? I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. And one of the fundamental truths in life is that they will make . Its called tomorrow. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 35. 176. I can create positive change in the world. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. I celebrate the highs, learn from the lows and now I release it into the past. 1. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. 33. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. 85. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor.. Enjoy! People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Albert Einstein, 190. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. How do you count cows? 225. Best friends eat your food. 232. Hi! 251. 24. Learn sign language, its very handy. Im like a postage stamp. 15. 101. 250. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. 113. So far, so good. 104. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? ". The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. 19. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? 275. Superwoman: single. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. 180. Roy Lichtenstein Your values become your destiny. Love your enemies. HAM AND EGGS A days work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Positive mindset affirmations. 264. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Your email address will not be published. Stop playing with me., 6. I see the funny side of life more and more. When they go away, its a brighter day. What do computers eat for a snack? Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. 128. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. 116. Description for this block. 52. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Send me the link. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. I enjoy every minute of it. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. 79. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. Ive been doing nothing for years. I am quite fascinating. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? 163. 270. - Unknown. Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. 57. 187. You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. 97. Sometimes the M is silent. 71. 262. 133. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 216. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. 257. - Jeffrey Gitomer. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. 59. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Albert King Take a look! How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? - Bob Hope. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. Have a look! 81. My mistakes dont define me. Because he was always spotted. 122. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Enjoy! Henny Youngman, 246. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? I always find something funny in every situation. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. Milton Berle Learn sign language, its very handy. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. We need to hear a pin drop. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Looking for positive funny affirmations? Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. Steve Martin, 254. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Does it count if you say them in your mind? I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". Ill start this journey with my 10 favorite funny affirmations that never fail to make me laugh. 157. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. 146. Pat Sajak "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". Steven Alexander Wright. Never forget that broken crayons can also color. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. 272. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. 196. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. Nothing, they just waved. 195. 134. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer.